the junkyard it's rubbish, it's clutter... but i just can't throw them to oblivion
Friday, January 28, 2005
WORKPLACE VOCABULARY
404 Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not
Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
ADMINISPHERE The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and
file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to
solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia"
needless paperwork and processes.
ASSMOSIS The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by
sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
BLAMESTORMING Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed, and who was responsible.
CROP DUSTING Surreptitiously farting while passing through a cube farm, then
enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING
CUBE FARM An office filled with cubicles.
MOUSE POTATO The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
OHNOSECOND That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get
it to work again.
PRAIRIE DOGGING When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This
also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake).
SALMON DAY The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to
get screwed and die.
SEAGULL MANAGER A Manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything,
and then leaves.
SITCOMs Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay
home with the kids or start a "home business".
STRESS PUPPY A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
XEROX SUBSIDY Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan,come in or stay out!'"
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a Coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40, please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come to the restaurant again, and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a Coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," the man says. "Same for me, " says the ostrich.
A short time later, the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," the man says, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I could just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" the waitress says. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," the man says.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
1. The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles.
2. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
3. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
4. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
5. American car horns beep in the key of F.
6. No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.
7. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
8. 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.
9. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
10. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
11. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
12. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
13. A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
14. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
15. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
16. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."
17. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
18. The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had.
19. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
20. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
21. The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
22. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
23. Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser.
24. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
25. Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
26. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
27. All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
28. Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
29. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly
30. Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
31. Pearls melt in vinegar.
32. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
33. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
34. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
35. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.
36. Average life span of a major league baseball: seven pitches.
37. A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.
38. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases
39. Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal."
The multi-purpose card is the latest version of our perpetually metamorphosing IC. With an embedded smart chip, it can also store our medical history,driver's license, act as an ATM card, serve as an electronic purse and even be used at the National Library.
A likely scenario when ordering pizzas in the near future...
Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your...
Customer: Heloo, can I order..
Operator: Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?
Customer: It's eh... hold on...... 6102049998-45-54610
Operator: OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 40942366, your office 7645 2302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?
Customer: Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator: We are connected to the system Sir
Customer: May I order your Seafood Pizza...
Operator: That's not a good idea Sir.
Customer: How come?
Operator: According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir.
Customer: What?... What do you recommend then?
Operator: Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it.
Customer: How do you know for sure?
Operator: You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir".>
Customer: OK I give up... Give me three family-sized ones then. How much will that cost?
Operator: That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99
Customer: Can I pay by credit card?
Operator: I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit car is over the limit and you're owing your bank $3720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir.
Customer: I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives.
Operator: You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today.
Customer: Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?
Operator: About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle...
Customer: What!
Operator: According to the details in system, you own a Scooter... registration number E1123..."
Customer: *'!^ *%^**%^I7*
Operator: Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman... ?
Customer: [Speechless]
Operator: Is there anything else Sir?
Customer: Nothing. By the way, aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?
Operator: We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic.
I have in my hands two boxes which God gave me to hold He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black box and all your joys in the gold." I heeded His words and in the two boxes both my joys and sorrows I stored but though the gold became heavier each day the black was as light as before with curiosity, I opened the black I wanted to find out why and I saw, in the base of the box a hole which my sorrows had fallen out by. I showed the hole to God, and mused, "I wonder where my sorrows could be!" He smiled a gentle smile and said, "My child, they're all here with me." I asked God why He gave me the boxes why the gold and the black with the hole? "My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings the black is for you to let go."
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.
The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P : Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
mga bagay-bagay na kasalukuyang kinaiinisan...
george w bush's smirk, mga pangalan na nilalagyan ng "h" (katulad ng jhune, dhanny, jhoey, jhim, jhay, jhet, mayron pa nga akong kilalang piph), tunog ng baril ni agent X44 Tony Falcon, tunog ng suntok ng mga pelikulang pinoy, people who say "at the end of the day" all the time, allergic reactions to seafood, tunog ng stirofoam pag pinisil, tunog ng kinaskas na kuko sa blackboard, war, alikabok, the term "weapons of mass destruction", sales people who always say "absolutely", people who don't take a bath everyday, anghit, people who don't change their shirts everyday, tropical heat, people with anghit who don't take a bath and don't change their shirts everyday at kasabay mong maglakad in the tropical heat, cnn's jim clancey's reporting, monday afternoons, NAIA, the term "liberating the iraqi people", jeepney fumes, standing on a bus going home, cruise missles, pelikulang bumbay, stale coffee, tomahawk missles, january 2, ping lacson, tessie aquino ureta, pimples, powdered orange juice, elevator music, kenny-g's music, elevator playing kenny-g's music, donald rumsfeld's squint, funeral parlors, hospitals, hospital morgues, cold showers, nagtataeng ballpen, nagtataeng ballpen na nakalagay sa bulsa ng puting polo shirt, lapis na bale, disco music, rap music, loud bar music, loud rap music played in a bar, non-functioning remote control, scientific calculators that are not casio, automatic watches that stop in the middle of the night, smelly farts that are not mine, come to think of it - any kind of fart that did not come from my asshole, "bawal umihi dito" signs (ang mahole, bogbog), sunglasses na tabingi pag sinuot mo, yellow-orange shirts, pink pants for men, pantalon na bitin, lalaki na naka yellow-orange shirt na may ternong pink pants na bitin, lawlaw na shorts, tsinelas na luma, loud preachers inside a bus (PRAISE THE GOD!), el shaddai, amerikana ni brother mike, brother mike, good friday, american war propaganda, train stations in india, being thirsty, LBM, smelly hair, ugly american speeches, tinapay na may amag, mainit na coke, soft boiled egg na sobrang soft, CNN reporters na pumipikit-pikit pag nagrereport, sign pen na walang tinta, CD na tumatalon, abstract painting na binebenta sa bangketa sa quiapo, palenkeng maputik, cell phones ringing inside theatres, sappy love song ring tones, sappy love song ringtones ringing inside theatres, loud text message ringtones, mcdo hamburgers na may chii sauce, taxes, ringing phones at 2 o clock in the morning, traffic jams, fast changing traffic lights, war councils, tapilok, somebody wearing turtle neck sweaters in manila, somebody wearing leather jackets in manila, somebody wearing leather jackets over tutleneck sweaters in manila, the term "decisive force", censorship, self righteous people, self righteous censors, names i can't pronounce, people calling me "david", riding in a car that's been left baking in an open parking lot in manila at 12 o clock noon, pentel pen na malapit nang maubusan ng tinta, the disco song entitled "zodiac", low batt cellphone right when you need it, underpowered cars, stars on 45 music, stars on 45 music being played inside buses, stars on 45 being played inside a bus when a preacher suddenly shouts "PRAISE THE LORD" while you are a few seconds from finally taking a nap, funeral wreathes, lumang pera, kahit anong pelikula ni steven segal (except yung kasama niya si idol kong tommy lee jones), ang mukha ni prime minister john howard ng australia, "operation iraqi freedom"...
...AND, the most kinaiinisang bagay-bagay as of late: the term "shock and awe"
