A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the highway for a nice evening drive. The top down, breeze blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle went over 140 km/h, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch my BMW, " he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 160, 180... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.


The one serious conviction that a man should have is that nothing is to be taken too seriously.

Nicholas Butler
(1862-1947)

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Bubba,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love,

Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son...

Dear Dad,

For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I Buried the BODIES!!!

Love,

Bubba

At 4A.M . the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. (It was the best I could do under the circumstances)

Love,

Bubba

When I born, I black. When I grow up, I black. When I go in sun, I black. When I cold, I black. When I scared, I black. When I sick, I black. And when I die, I still black.

You white folks...... When you born, you pink. When you grow up, you white. When you go in sun, you red. When you cold, you blue.. When you scared, you yellow. When you sick, you green. When you bruised, you purple. And when you die, you gray.

So who you callin' colored?

Sometime ago, I attended a Breast-Cancer-Awareness seminar. During the Q&A period, I asked why the most common area for breast cancer was near the arm pit. My question could not be answered at that time. This e-mail was just sent to me, and I find it very interesting that my question has been answered. I challenge you all to re-think your daily use of a product that could ultimately lead to a terminal illness. As of today, I will change my use. A friend forwarded this to me. I showed it to a friend going through chemotherapy and she said she learned this fact in a support group recently. I wish I had known it 14 years ago. I just got information from a health seminar that I would like to share. The leading cause of breast cancer is the use of anti-perspirant.

What?

A concentration of toxins leads to cell mutations, A.K.A - CANCER. Yes, ANTI-PERSPIRANT. Most of the products out there are an anti-perspirant/deodorant combination, so go home and check. Deodorant is fine, anti-perspirant is not. Here's why. The human body has a few areas that it uses to purge toxins from the body-behind the knees, behind the ears, the groin area, and armpits. The toxins are purged in the form of perspiration. Anti-perspirant, as the name clearly indicates, prevents you from perspiring, thereby inhibiting the body from purging toxins from below the armpits. These toxins do not just magically disappear. Instead, the body deposits them in the lymph nodes below the arms since it cannot sweat them out. Nearly all breasts cancer tumours occur in the upper outside quadrant of the breast area. This is precisely where the lymph nodes are located. Additionally, men are less likely (but not completely exempt) to develop breast cancer prompted by anti-perspirant usage because most of the anti-perspirant product is caught in their hair and is not directly applied to the skin.

Women who apply anti-perspirant right after shaving increase the risk further because having causes almost imperceptible nicks in the skin which give the chemicals entrance into the body from the armpit area. PLEASE pass this along to anyone you care about. Breast cancer is becoming frighteningly common. This awareness may save lives. If you are sceptical about these findings, I urge you to do some research for
yourself. You might just arrive at the same conclusions.

What is globalization, one may ask. Well, below here is probably the best example on the definition of globalization.

Question : What is the height of globalization?
Answer : Princess Diana's death

Question : How come?
Answer : An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was high on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines!

And this is sent to you by a Filipino, using Bill Gates' technology which he stole from the Japanese. And you are probably reading this on one of the IBM clones that
use Philippine-made chips, and Korean made monitors, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians and finally sold to you by a Chinese!

That's Globalization!!!

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:


Thank you for calling heaven.

For English press 1

For Spanish press 2

For all other languages, press 3

Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for request

Press 2 for thanksgiving

Press 3 for complaints

Press 4 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:

God, press 1

Jesus, press 2

Holy spirit, press 3

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.

(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666)

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 316.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

Thank you and have a heavenly day.

An american tourist goes to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscous and does not use a condom at all time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediatly goes to see a doctor. The doctor, having never seen anything like this before, orders some test and tells the man to return in two days for results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted mongolian VD. It's very rare! And almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc."

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror. "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease."

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis."

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "you no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick falls off by itself! You save money".

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000.00 on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,"Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!!!

Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don't have.

"Bo, this girl in my office is a real looker," many a husband will say. "But it's not her Wynona Rider features that got me. I'm head over heels with her because she's also understanding, intelligent, tender - so many things that my wife is not."

Sure. Guys, trust me on this. Somewhere along the way, you'll find a woman who will be more charming. More alluring. More thoughtful. Richer. Be a better cook. Have greater sex appeal. Be a more efficient housekeeper. And you will find a woman who will need you and pursue you and go loco over you more than your wife ever did. Because no wife is perfect. Because a wife will only have 90% of what you're looking for. So adultery takes place when a husband looks for the missing 10%. Let's say your wife is melancholic by nature. You may find yourself drawn to the pretty clerk who has a cherry laugh no matter what she says: "I broke my arm yesterday, Hahahaha..." Or because your wife is a homebody in slippers and pajamas, smelling of garlic and fish oil, you may fall for a fresh-smelling young sales representative that visits your office in a sharp black blazer, high heels, and a red pencil-cut skirt. Or because your wife is the quiet type (a rare find), your heart may skip a beat when you meet an old college flame who has the makings of a talk show host like Oprah.

But wait! That's only 10% of what you don't have. Don't throw away the 90% that you already have! That's not all. Add to your wife's 90% the 1000% that represents all the years that you have been with each other. The storms you have weathered together. The unforgettable moments of sadness and joy as a couple. The many adjustments you have made to love the other. The wealth of memories that you've accumulated as lovers. Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don't have. Faithfulness happens when you start thanking God for what you already have. But I'm not just talking about marriage. I'm talking about life! About your jobs. About your friends. About your children. About your prayer groups. About your lifestyles.

Are you like the economy airline passenger that perennially peeks through the door of the first class cabin, obsessed with what he's missing? "They have got more leg room! Oh my, their food is served in porcelain! Wow, their seats recline at an 80% angle and they've got personal videos!" I guarantee you'll be miserable for the entire trip! Don't live your life like that. Forget about what the world says is first class. (Do you know that there are many first class passengers who are miserable in first class - because they're not riding in a private Lear Jet?)

My main message: If you start thanking God for what you have right now, wherever you are is first class! You have wealth under your nose. Thank Him.

Did Anyone Ever Tell You,
Just How Special You Are
The Light that You Emit
Might even Light a Star

Did Anyone Ever Tell You
How Important You Make Others Feel
Somebody out here is Smiling
About Love that is so Real

Did Anyone Ever Tell You
Many Times, When They were Sad
Your E-mail made Them Smile a bit
In Fact It made Them Glad

For the Time You Spend Sending Things
And Sharing whatever You Find
There are No Words to Thank You
But Somebody, Thinks You're Fine

Did Anyone Ever Tell You
Just How Much They Like You
Well, My Dearest " Online " Friend
Today I am Telling You !

Pay attention to what you read. After you read this, you will know the reason it was sent to you! People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON. . . It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

Then people come into your life for a SEASON. Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life. Stop here and just SMILE.

Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
And dance like no one is watching.

A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art. They had everything in their collection, from Picasso to Raphael. They would often sit together and admire the great works of art. When the Vietnam conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier.

The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son. About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a knock at the door. A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands. He said, "Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often talked about you, and your love for art."

The young man held out this package. "I know this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist, but I think! your son would have wanted you to have this."

The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears.

He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture. "Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It's a gift."

The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected.

The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their collection.

On the platform sat the painting of the son. ! The auctioneer pounded his gavel. "We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who will bid for this picture?"

There was silence.

Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, "We want to see the famous paintings. Skip this one."

But the auctioneer persisted. "Will someone bid for this painting? Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?"

Another voice shouted angrily. "We didn't come to see this painting. We came to see the Van Goghs, the Rembrandts. Get on with the real bids!"

But still the auctioneer continued. "The son! The son! Who'll take the son?"

Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. "I'll give $10 for the painting." Being a poor man, it was all he could afford.

"We have $10, who will bid $20?"

"Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters."

"$10 is the bid, won't someone bid $20?" The crowd was becoming angry. They didn't want the picture of the son. They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections.

The auctioneer pounded the gavel. "Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!"

A man sitting on the second row shouted, "Now let's get on with the collection!"

The auctioneer laid down his gavel. "I'm sorry, the auction is over."

"What about the paintings?"

"I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned. Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the paintings.

The man who took the son gets everything!"

God gave His son 2,000 years ago to die on a cruel cross. Much like the auctioneer, His message today "The son, the son, who'll take the son?" Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything.