Gusto ng isang mister na magregalo ng bra para sa kanyang misis, ngunit hindi niya alam kung anong size ang bibilhin.
Salesgirl: Sinlaki ho ba ng papaya ang boobs ni misis?
Mister: Hindi.
Salesgirl: Mala-mansanas?
Mister: Hindi.
Salesgirl: Ahhh?parang itlog?
Mister: Oo! Pero prito, ha?!
-------------------
Usapan ng magkaibigan
Gina: Halata na ang tiyan mo, bakit hindi pa kayo magpakasal ng boyfriend mo?
Katrina: Ayaw ng pamilya niya, eh!
Gina: Sino ang may ayaw, ang tatay o nanay niya?
Katrina: Iyung misis niya!
-------------------
Kulas: Kumusta ang bakasyon, Tulume
Tulume: Masama. Sabado, napilay ang manok ni tiyong, ang ulam namin, tinola. Linggo, napilay ang baboy, ang ulam namin, litson. Kanina, napilay si tiyong, ang ulam namin, hindi ko inalam. Kumain ako sa labas.
-------------------
Nag-aaway ang dalawang tanga
Kulas: Ano ba ang gusto mo, away o gulo?
Tomas: Away na lang para walang gulo!
-------------------
Sa hardin ng Paraiso
Adam: Lord, hindi ko na kaya ang pagtukso ng ahas sa akin!
Lord: Maging matatag ka, anak. Ano ba ang tukso ng ahas sa iyo?
Adam: Uy Supot! Supot! Supot!
-------------------
Usapan ng tatlong lalaki
Tulume: Ang tanga ng misis ko. Bumili ng answering machine, wala kaming telepono.
Juan: Mas tanga ang misis ko. Bumili ng scanner, wala naman kaming computer.
Kulas: Pinakatanga ang misis ko. Lagi siyang may condom sa bag, wala naman siyang titi.
-------------------
Txt ng mag-ama
Anak: Dear Itay, padalhan mo ako ng pera. Kasi, ang mga gamit ko, pinagkakain ng daga.
Itay: Dear Anak, wala akong pera. Kung gusto mo, meron ditong pusa.
-------------------
Totoy: Inay, ano po ba iyong sex?
Inay: Ah, eh, iyan ang ginagawa ng mag-asawa para magkaanak.
Totoy: Ang haba naman noon, Inay! Paano ko isusulat iyan sa biodata?
-------------------
Sa isang ospital, pagkatapos ng operasyon
Pasyente: Dok, bakit ganito ang operasyon sa ulo? Halos kita na ang utak ko.
Dok: Okey iyan. At least, open-minded ka na ngayon.
-------------------
Inday: Sir, karamihan pala ng nakalibing sa sementeryo, ginahasa!
Sir: Paano mo nalaman?
Inday: Kasi, nakalagay sa lapida nila . RIP!
-------------------
Sa airport canteen, umorder ang isang American
Kano: Miss, will you please give me one few two?
Tindera: What, sir?
Kano: I said one few two.?
Tindera: Oh, puto!
Kana: Yeah, that's right!
(Sa loob-loob ng tindera, tangna! Puto lang, pino-few two few two pa! Gagantihan ko siya!?)
Tindera: Okey, sir? what color do you want? few la? or few ti?
-------------------
Hinahanap ni misis ang kanyang panty
Misis: Nakita mo ba iyong panty ko?
Mister: Hindi. Tanungin mo si Inday.
Misis: Inday! Nakita mo ba yung panty ko?
Inday: Hindi po.
Misis: Naku, Inday! Baka kinuha mo ang panty ko, ha?!
Inday: Naku, ma'am! Hindi ho ako nagpa-panty! Alam ho iyan ni Sir!
-------------------
Hindi raw bingi
Kustomer: (sumisigaw) PABILI NG HOPE!
Tindero: Huwag mo akong sigawan! Hindi ako bingi? ilang Coke ba ang bibilhin mo?
-------------------
Kumpisalan
Tulume: Father, patawarin po ninyo ako.
Pari: Ano ang kasalanan mo?
Tulume: Nagnakaw po ako ng limang manok.
Pari: Magdasal ka ng limang Ama Namin.
Tulume: Father, walong Ama Namin na po ang dadasalin ko. Babalikan ko pa 'yung naiwang tatlong manok.
This might seem pretty strange... But even if you are not a believer, you should read this...
What is the shortest chapter in the Bible?
Answer - Psalms 117
What is the longest chapter in the Bible?
Answer - Psalms 119
Which chapter is in the center of the Bible?
Answer - Psalms 118
There are 594 chapters before Psalms 118.
There are 594 chapters after Psalms 118.
Add up the 594 plus 594, and you get 1188.
What is the center verse in the Bible?
Answer - Psalms 118:8
Does this verse say something significant about God's perfect will for our lives? The next time someone says they would like to find God's perfect will for their lives and that they want to be in the center of His will, just send them to the center of His Word!
Psalms 118:8 (NKJV) "It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man."
Now isn't it amazing how this worked out (or was God in the center of it)?
I have said a prayer for you today.
"Father God bless _________ in whatever it is that you know he/she may be needing this day! And may ________ 's life be full of your peace, prosperity and power as he/she seeks to have a closer relationship with You. Amen."
Faith doesn't get you around trouble, it gets you through it.
His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will, but that's o.k.".......
Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does Mom seem to cry for no reason?".
"All women cry for no reason", was all his Dad could say......
The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry. Finally he put in a call to God and when God got back to him, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?"
GOD answered......"When I made woman, I decided she had to be special. I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet, made her arms gentle enough to give comfort...
I gave her the inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times will come even from her own children.
I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going and take care of her family and friends, even when everyone else gives up, through sickness and fatigue, without complaining....
I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances. Even when her child has hurt her badly....
She has the very special power to make a child's boo-boo feel better and to quell a teenager's anxieties and fears....
I gave her strength to care for her husband, despite faults and I fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart. I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.
For all of this hard work, I also gave her a tear to shed. It is hers to use whenever needed and it is her only weakness....
When you see her cry, tell her how much you love her, and all she does for everyone, and even though she may still cry, you will have made her heart feel good. She is special!"
A Pinoy dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell. Then he comes to the Filipino hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks, "What do they do here?" > He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Filipino devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"
Because there is always a brownout, so the electric chair does not work. Somebody stole all the nails to sell it "por kilo". And the devil used to be a public official, so he comes in, punches his time-card, shakes hands with all the people waiting there and then goes back home..."
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
A young man was getting ready to graduate from college.
For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted.
As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car.
Finally, on the morning of his graduation his father called him into his private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautifully wrapped gift box. Curious, but somewhat disappointed the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible.
Angrily, he raised his voice at his father and said, "With all your money, you give me a Bible?" and stormed out of the house, leaving the holy book.
Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old,
and thought perhaps he should go to him.
He had not seen him since that graduation day. Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care of things.
When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart. He began to search his father's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the Bible, and began to turn the pages.
As he read those words, a car key dropped from an envelope taped behind the Bible. It had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words ... PAID IN FULL.
How many times do we miss God's blessings because they are not packaged as we expected?
Dwell not on the past. Use it to illustrate a point, then leave it behind. Nothing really matters except what you do now in this instant of time. From this moment onwards you can be an entirely different person, filled with love and understanding, ready with an outstretched hand, uplifted and positive in every thought and deed.
There is but one cause of human failure. And that is man's lack of faith in his true self.
During the waning years of the depression in a small southeastern Idaho community, I used to stop by Mr. Miller's roadside stand for farm-fresh produce as the season made it available. Food and money were still extremely scarce and bartering was used, extensively. One particular day Mr. Miller was bagging some early potatoes for me. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily appraising a basket of freshly picked green peas. I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller and the ragged boy next to me.
"Hello Barry, how are you today?"
"H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas... sure look good."
"They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?"
"Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time."
"Good. Anything I can help you with?"
"No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas."
"Would you like to take some home?"
"No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with."
"Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?"
"All I got's my prize marble here."
"Is that right? Let me see it."
"Here 'tis. She's a dandy."
"I can see that. Hmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?"
"Not'zackley .....but, almost."
"Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble."
"Sure will. Thanks, Mr.Miller."
Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a smile she said: "There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, perhaps." I left the stand, smiling to myself, impressed with this man.
A short time later I moved to Colorado but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys and their bartering. Several years went by each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his viewing that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them.
Upon our arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could. Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts ... very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, standing smiling and composed, by her husband's casket.
Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket. Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the
mortuary, awkwardly, wiping his eyes. Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller.
I told her who I was and mentioned the story she had told me about the marbles. Eyes glistening she took my hand and led me to the casket. "Those
three young men, who just left, were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim "traded" them. Now, at last when Jim could not change his mind about color or size ... they came to pay their debt.
"We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world," she confided, "but, right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho."
With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three, exquisitely shined, red marbles.
Moral: We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath.
Here's what you are supposed to do...and DON'T BE LAME and spoil the fun. Do it. Copy, not forward, this entire e-mail by scrolling down through it and paste it onto a new e-mail that you will send. Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then, send this to a whole bunch of people you know INCLUDING the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about those who know you. Remember to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
1. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
weekdays and Sundays, 6 am; Saturdays, between 7 and 8 am
2. IF YOU COULD EAT LUNCH WITH ONE FAMOUS PERSON, WHO WOULD IT BE?
Confucius
3. GOLD OR SILVER?
silver
4. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA?
Chicago
5. FAVORITE TV SHOW?
Globe Trekker... formerly Lonely Planet and Discovery Channel's City Cabs
6. WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST?
don't usually have breakfast but if I do, it will be white bread with butter and orange marmalade
7. WHAT WOULD YOU HATE TO BE LEFT IN A ROOM WITH
a snake
8. CAN YOU TOUCH YOUR NOSE WITH YOUR TONGUE?
tried 3 times... almost made it but not quite
9. WHAT INSPIRES YOU?
Papa Jay and my family
10. WHAT'S YOUR MIDDLE NAME?
middle maiden name: Lecitona; middle married name: Ramirez
11. BEACH, CITY, Or COUNTRY?
Beach
12. SUMMER OR WINTER?
don't know what winter is like
13. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Brownie Nut Fudge but they don't make it anymore
14. BUTTERED, PLAIN, OR SALTED POPCORN?
buttered
15. FAVORITE COLOR?
black and beige, used to be black and red
16. FAVORITE CAR?
classic toyota corona
17. FAVORITE SONGS:
a lot
18. FAVORITE SANDWICH FILLING?
butter and orange marmalade
19. TRUE LOVE?
Papa Jay
20. WHAT CHARACTERISTICS DO YOU DESPISE?
sarcastic, stuck-up, liars
21. FAVORITE FLOWER?
lily of the valley
22. IF YOU HAD A BIG WIN IN THE LOTTERY, HOW LONG WOULD YOU WAIT TO TELL PEOPLE?
family, at once... friends, maybe not
23.FIZZY OR STILL WATER AS A DRINK?
never had fizzy water
24. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHROOM?
maroon
25. HOW MANY KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING?
7
26. WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE TO?
Philippines
27. CAN YOU JUGGLE? IF YES HOW MANY?
two
28. FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK:
Friday and Saturday
29. RED OR WHITE WINE?
white
30. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY?
in the Philippines, had a pre-birthday get-together with family; on the day itself, back in Singapore, nothing
31. DO YOU CARRY A DONOR CARD?
no
32. WHO DO YOU LEAST EXPECT TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
no idea
33. WHO IS THE PERSON YOU EXPECT TO SEND THIS BACK FIRST?
no idea either
Your presence is a gift to the world,
You're unique and one of a kind.
Your life can be what you want it to be -
Take it one day at a time.
Count your blessings, not your troubles,
And you'll make it through what comes along.
Within you are so many answers,
Understand, have courage, be strong.
Don't put limits on yourself,
Your dreams are waiting to be realized.
Don't leave your important decisions to chance -
Reach for your peak, your goal, and your prize.
Nothing wastes more energy than worrying -
The longer a problem is carried, the heavier it gets.
Don't take things too seriously -
Live a life of serenity, not a life of regrets.
Remember that a little love goes a long way -
Remember that a lot goes forever.
Remember that friendship is a wise investment,
Life's treasures are people... together.
Have health and hope and happiness,
Take the time to wish on a star.
And don't ever forget for even a day...
How very special YOU are!
mga bagay-bagay na kasalukuyang kinaiinisan...
george w bush's smirk, mga pangalan na nilalagyan ng "h" (katulad ng jhune, dhanny, jhoey, jhim, jhay, jhet, mayron pa nga akong kilalang piph), tunog ng baril ni agent X44 Tony Falcon, tunog ng suntok ng mga pelikulang pinoy, people who say "at the end of the day" all the time, allergic reactions to seafood, tunog ng stirofoam pag pinisil, tunog ng kinaskas na kuko sa blackboard, war, alikabok, the term "weapons of mass destruction", sales people who always say "absolutely", people who don't take a bath everyday, anghit, people who don't change their shirts everyday, tropical heat, people with anghit who don't take a bath and don't change their shirts everyday at kasabay mong maglakad in the tropical heat, cnn's jim clancey's reporting, monday afternoons, NAIA, the term "liberating the iraqi people", jeepney fumes, standing on a bus going home, cruise missles, pelikulang bumbay, stale coffee, tomahawk missles, january 2, ping lacson, tessie aquino ureta, pimples, powdered orange juice, elevator music, kenny-g's music, elevator playing kenny-g's music, donald rumsfeld's squint, funeral parlors, hospitals, hospital morgues, cold showers, nagtataeng ballpen, nagtataeng ballpen na nakalagay sa bulsa ng puting polo shirt, lapis na bale, disco music, rap music, loud bar music, loud rap music played in a bar, non-functioning remote control, scientific calculators that are not casio, automatic watches that stop in the middle of the night, smelly farts that are not mine, come to think of it - any kind of fart that did not come from my asshole, "bawal umihi dito" signs (ang mahole, bogbog), sunglasses na tabingi pag sinuot mo, yellow-orange shirts, pink pants for men, pantalon na bitin, lalaki na naka yellow-orange shirt na may ternong pink pants na bitin, lawlaw na shorts, tsinelas na luma, loud preachers inside a bus (PRAISE THE GOD!), el shaddai, amerikana ni brother mike, brother mike, good friday, american war propaganda, train stations in india, being thirsty, LBM, smelly hair, ugly american speeches, tinapay na may amag, mainit na coke, soft boiled egg na sobrang soft, CNN reporters na pumipikit-pikit pag nagrereport, sign pen na walang tinta, CD na tumatalon, abstract painting na binebenta sa bangketa sa quiapo, palenkeng maputik, cell phones ringing inside theatres, sappy love song ring tones, sappy love song ringtones ringing inside theatres, loud text message ringtones, mcdo hamburgers na may chii sauce, taxes, ringing phones at 2 o clock in the morning, traffic jams, fast changing traffic lights, war councils, tapilok, somebody wearing turtle neck sweaters in manila, somebody wearing leather jackets in manila, somebody wearing leather jackets over tutleneck sweaters in manila, the term "decisive force", censorship, self righteous people, self righteous censors, names i can't pronounce, people calling me "david", riding in a car that's been left baking in an open parking lot in manila at 12 o clock noon, pentel pen na malapit nang maubusan ng tinta, the disco song entitled "zodiac", low batt cellphone right when you need it, underpowered cars, stars on 45 music, stars on 45 music being played inside buses, stars on 45 being played inside a bus when a preacher suddenly shouts "PRAISE THE LORD" while you are a few seconds from finally taking a nap, funeral wreathes, lumang pera, kahit anong pelikula ni steven segal (except yung kasama niya si idol kong tommy lee jones), ang mukha ni prime minister john howard ng australia, "operation iraqi freedom"...
...AND, the most kinaiinisang bagay-bagay as of late: the term "shock and awe"
