the junkyard it's rubbish, it's clutter... but i just can't throw them to oblivion
Friday, February 28, 2003
A little boy visited his grandparents on their farm. He was given a slingshot to play with in the woods. He practiced, but couldn't hit the target. Getting discouraged, he headed back to lunch. As he walked back, he saw Grandma's pet duck. Out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the head, and killed it.
He was shocked and grieved. In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the woodpile, only to see his sister watching.
Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing. After lunch that day Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash the dishes." But Sally said, "Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen." Then she whispered to him, "Remember the duck?" So Johnny did the dishes.
Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing. Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make supper." Sally smiled and said, "Well that's all right because Johnny told me he wanted to help." She whispered again, "Remember the duck?" So Sally went fishing and Johnny stayed to help.
After several days of Johnny doing his chores and Sally's, he could stand it no longer. He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck. Grandma knelt beside Johnny and said, "I know. I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing. Because I love you, I forgive you. I was just wondering how long you would let Sally make a slave of you."
Thought for the day: Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done that the enemy throws in your face (lying, debt, fear, hatred, anger, unforgiveness, bitterness, etc.), whatever it is, Jesus Christ was standing at the window and saw the whole thing.
He wants you to know He loves you and that you are forgiven. He wonders how long you will let the enemy make a slave of you.
According to studies, your sexual identity is revealed by the first letter of your first name... what do you think?
-A- You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get.You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy,cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an upfront person. When it comes to sex, it's action that counts not obscure hints.Your mate's physical attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and challenges of the "hunt" invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern.
-B- You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an expression often affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You are private in your expression of endearments and particularly when it comes to love making. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval. You can control your appetite and abstain from sex if need be. You require new sensations and experiences. You are willing to experiment.
-C- You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a relationship. You require closeness and togetherness. You must be able to talk to your sex partner before, during, and after.You want the object of your affection to be socially acceptable and good looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion. You are very sexual and sensual, needing someone to appreciate and almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to go for long periods without sexual activity. You are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without.
-D- Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing and caring If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvement, sometimes possessive and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, having a free and open.
-E- Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion for a bedmate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more important than the sexual act for you, but once you give your heart away, you are compromisingly loyal. When you don't have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book. (Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good book.)
-F- You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are a romantic. Dramatic love scenes are your favorite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover.
-G- You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and your lover. You respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or superior, and one who can enhance your status. You are sensuous and know how to reach the peak of erotic stimulation, because you work at it meticulously. You can be extremely active sexually that is, when you find the time. Your duties and responsibilities take precedence over everything else. You may have difficulty getting emotionally close to a lover, but no trouble getting close sexually.
-H- You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and earning ability. You will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a commitment. Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the commitment, though, you tend to be frugal in your spending and dating habits and equally cautious in your sexual involvement. You are a sensual and patient lover.
-I- You have a great need to be loved, appreciated...Even worshipped. You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of sexual expression. You bore easily and thus require sexual adventure and change. You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful.
-J- You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your expression of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided it's all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being appreciated.
-K- You are totally fucking marvelous!
-L- You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover's savior. You are >sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in >love.You fantasize and get turned on by movies and magazines. You do not tell others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies.
-M- You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is in exhaustible. You also enjoy mothering your mate.
-N- You are crap in bed.
-O- You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy about your desires. You can re-channel much of your sexual energy into making >money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand intensity diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.
-P- You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of doing anything that might harm your image or reputation. Appearances count, therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy; a good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are relatively free of sexual hang-ups. You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification.
-Q- You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you, sexually or otherwise. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people of other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going.
-R- You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal the smarter the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However, physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, but you do not beg, you are willing to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be a very demanding playmate.
-S- You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along.
-T- You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner who takes the lead. Music, soft lights and romantic thoughts turn you on. You fantasize, but do not tend to fall in and out of love easily. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and extremely intense. You enjoy having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams, often times all in your own head.
-U- You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in love, you are in love with love, always looking for someone to adore. You see romance as a challenge. You are a roamer and need adventure, excitement, and freedom. You deal in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing your mate looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire instant gratification. You are willing to put your partner's pleasures above your own.
-V- You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement. You wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing someone means psyching him out. You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there is an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger, thrills, and suspense. The gay scene turns you on, even though you yourself may not be a participant.
-W- You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic, and often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as she or she really is. You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your relationships. Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games.
-X- You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind. You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs, all by yourself, in your own head.
-Y- You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can't have it your way, you will forgo the whole thing. You want to control your relationships, which doesn't always work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation, enjoy necking and spending hours just touching, feeling and exploring. However, if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to prove to yourself and your partner what a great lover you are. You want feedback on your performance. You are an open, stimulating, romantic bedmate.
-Z- For you, it is business before pleasure. If you are in anyway bothered by career, business, or money concerns, you find it very hard to relax and get into the mood. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and are capable of much sensuality. But you never lose control of your emotions. You are very careful and cautious before you give your heart away and your body, for that matter. Once you make the commitment, though, you stick like glue.
There are many things that we can do to perk up and strengthen our interpersonal relationships. Yet the most effective involves the saying of just three words. When spoken or conveyed, these statements have the power to forge new friendships, deepen old ones and restore relationships that have cooled.
The following three-word phrases can enrich every relationship.
I'll be there.
If you have ever had to call a friend in the middle of the night, to take a sick child to hospital, or when your car has broken down some miles from home, you will know how good it feels to hear the phrase "I'll be there." Being there for another person is the greatest gift we can give. When we are truly present for other people, important things happen to them and us. We are renewed in love and friendship. We are restored emotionally and spiritually. Being there is at the very core of civility.
I miss you.
Perhaps more marriages could be saved and strengthened if couples simply and sincerely say to each other "I miss you." This powerful affirmation tells partners they are wanted, needed, desired and loved. Consider how ecstatic you would feel, if you received an unexpected phone call from your spouse in the middle of your workday, just to say, "I miss you."
I respect you.
Respect is another way of showing love. Respect conveys the feeling that another person is a true equal. If you talk to your children as if they were adults you will strengthen the bonds and become close friends. This applies to all interpersonal relationships.
Maybe you're right.
This phrase is highly effective in diffusing an argument and restoring frayed emotions. The flip side to "maybe your right" is the humility of admitting, "maybe I'm wrong". Let's face it. When you have a heated argument with someone, all you do is cement the other person's point of view. They, or you, will not change their stance and you run the risk of seriously damaging the relationship between you. Saying "maybe you're right" can open the door to further explore the subject, in which you may then have the opportunity to get your view across in a more rational manner.
Please forgive me.
Many broken relationships could be restored and healed if people would admit their mistakes and ask for forgiveness. All of us are vulnerable to faults, foibles and failures. A man should never be ashamed to own up that he has been in the wrong, which is saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday.
I thank you.
Gratitude is an exquisite form of courtesy. People who enjoy the companionship of good, close friends are those who don't take daily courtesies for granted. They are quick to thank their friends for their many expressions of kindness. On the other hand, people whose circle of friends is severely constricted often do not have the attitude of gratitude.
Count on me.
A friend is one who walks in when others walk out. Loyalty is an essential ingredient for true friendship; it is the emotional glue that bonds people. Those that are rich in their relationships tend to be steady and true friends. When troubles come, a good friend is there indicating "you can count on me."
Let me help.
The best of friends see a need and try to fill it. When they spot a hurt they do what they can to heal it. Without being asked, they pitch in and help.
I understand you.
People become closer and enjoy each other more if they feel the other person accepts and understands them. Letting your spouse know in so many little ways that you understand them, is one of the most powerful tools for healing your relationship. This applies to any relationship.
Go for it.
We are all unique individuals. Don't try to get your friends to conform to your ideals. Support them in pursuing their interests, no matter how weird they seem to you. Everyone has dreams, dreams that are unique to that person only. Support and encourage your friends to follow their dreams. Tell them to "go for it."
I love you.
Perhaps the most important three words that you can say. Telling someone that you truly love them satisfies a person's deepest emotional needs. The need to belong, to feel appreciated and to be wanted, Your spouse, your children, your friends and you, all need to hear those three little words. "I love you."
On a Saturday night several weeks ago, this pastor as working late, and decided to call his wife before he left for home. It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife didn't answer the phone. The pastor let it ring many times. He thought it was odd that she didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a few things and try again in a few minutes. When he tried again she answered right away. He asked her why she hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rung at their house.
They brushed it off as a fluke and went on their merry ways. The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office, which was the phone that he'd used that Saturday night. The man that he spoke with wanted to know why he'd called on Saturday night.
The pastor couldn't figure out what the man was talking about. Then the man said, "It rang and rang, but I didn't answer." The pastor remembered the mishap and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife.
The man said, "That's OK. Let me tell you my story. You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but before I did, I prayed, 'God if you're there, and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now.' At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the caller ID, and it said, 'Almighty God'. I was afraid to answer!"
The reason why it showed on the man's caller ID that the call came from "Almighty God" is because the church that the pastor attends is called Almighty God Tabernacle!!
Philippine Names By Matthew Sutherland from The Observer
A Rhose, by Any Other Name By Matthew Sutherland (Matthew Sutherland's essay on the phenomenon called Manila traffic got rave reviews among readers. Through this column, he hopes to give us glimpses into our own culture by writing about all things Pinoy from an expat's point of view.) "A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches" --(Proverbs 22:1)
WHEN I arrived in the Philippines from the UK six years ago, one of the first cultural differences to strike me was names. The subject has provided a continuing source of amazement and amusement ever since. The first unusual thing, from an English perspective, is that everyone here has a nickname. In the staid and boring United Kingdom, we have nicknames in kindergarten, but when we move into adulthood we tend, I am glad to say, to lose them.
The second thing that struck me is that Philippine names for both girls and boys tend to be what we in the UK would regard as overbearingly cutesy for anyone over about five. "Fifty-five-year-olds with names that sound like five-year-olds", as one colleague put it. Where I come from, a boy with a nickname like Boy Blue or Honey Boy would be beaten to death at school by pre-adolescent bullies, and never make it to adulthood. So, probably, would girls with names like Babes, Lovely, Precious, Peachy or Apples. Yuk, ech ech. Here, however, no one bats an eyelid.
Then I noticed how many people have what I have come to call "door-bell names". These are nicknames that sound like - well, door-bells. There are millions of them. Bing, Bong, Ding, and Dong are some of the more common. They can be, and frequently are, used in even more door-bell-like combinations such as Bing-Bong, Ding-Dong, Ting-Ting, and so on. Even our newly-appointed chief of police has a doorbell name - Ping.
None of these door-bell names exist where I come from, and hence sound unusually amusing to my untutored foreign ear. Someone once told me that one of the Bings, when asked why he was called Bing, replied "because my brother is called Bong". Faultless logic. Dong, of course, is a particularly funny one for me, as where I come from "dong" is a slang word for... well, perhaps "talong" is the best Tagalog equivalent.
Repeating names was another novelty to me, having never before encountered people with names like Len-Len, Let-Let, Mai-Mai, or Ning-Ning. The secretary I inherited on my arrival had an unusual one: Leck-Leck. Such names are then frequently further refined by using the "squared" symbol, as in Len2 or Mai2. This had me very confused for a while.
Then there is the trend for parents to stick to a theme when naming their children. This can be as simple as making them all begin with the same letter, as in Jun, Jimmy, Janice, and Joy. More imaginative parents shoot for more sophisticated forms of assonance or rhyme, as in Biboy, Boboy, Buboy, Baboy (notice the names get worse the more kids there are -- best to be born early or you could end up being a Baboy). Even better, parents can create whole families of, say, desserts (Apple Pie, Cherry Pie, Honey Pie) or flowers (Rose, Daffodil, Tulip). The main advantage of such combinations is that they look great painted across your trunk if you're a cab driver. That's another thing I'd never seen before coming to Manila - taxis with the driver's kids' names on the trunk.
Another whole eye-opening field for the foreign visitor is the phenomenon of the "composite" name. This includes names like Jejomar (for Jesus, Joseph and Mary), and the remarkable Luzviminda (for Luzon, Visayas and Mindanao, believe it or not). That's a bit like me being called something like "Engscowani" (for England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland). Between you and me, I'm glad I'm not.
And how could I forget to mention the fabulous concept of the randomly-inserted letter 'h'. Quite what this device is supposed to achieve, I have not yet figured out, but I think it is designed to give a touch of class to an otherwise only averagely weird name. It results in creations like Jhun, Lhenn, Ghemma, and Jhimmy. Or how about Jhun-Jhun (Jhun2)?
There is also a whole separate field of name games -- those where the parents have exhibited a creative sense of humor on purpose. I once had my house in London painted by a Czechoslovakian decorator by the name of Peter Peter. I could never figure out if his parents had a fantastic sense of humor or no imagination at all -- it had to be one or the other. But here in the Philippines, wonderful imagination and humor is often applied to the naming process, particularly, it seems, in the Chinese community. My favorites include Bach Johann Sebastian; Edgar Allan Pe; Jonathan Livingston Sy; Magic Chiongson, Chica Go, and my girlfriend's very own sister, Van Go. I am assured these are real people, although I've only met two of them. I hope they don't mind being mentioned here.
How boring to come from a country like the UK full of people with names like John Smith. How wonderful to come from a country where imagination and exoticism rule the world of names. Even the towns here have weird names; my favorite is the unbelievably-named town of Sexmoan (ironically close to Olongapo and Angeles). Where else in the world could that really be true?
Where else in the world could the head of the Church really be called Cardinal Sin? Where else in the world could Angel, Gigi and Mandy be grown-up men? Where else could you go through adult life unembarrassed and unassailed with a name like Mosquito, or Pepper, or Honey Boy? Where else but the Philippines!
Father, I ask you to bless my friends reading this right now.
I am asking You to minister to their spirit at this very moment.
Where there is pain, give them Your peace and mercy.
Where there is self doubting, release a renewed confidence in Your ability to work through them.
Where there is tiredness, or exhaustion, I ask You to give them understanding, patience, and strength as they learn submission to your leading.
Where there is spiritual stagnation, I ask You to renew them by revealing Your nearness, and by drawing them into greater intimacy with You.
Where there is fear, reveal Your love, and release to them Your courage.
Where there is a sin blocking them, reveal it, and break its hold over my friend's life.
Bless their finances, give them greater vision, and raise up leaders, and friends to support, and encourage them.
Give each of them discernment to recognize the evil forces around them, and reveal to them the power they have in You to defeat it.
I ask You to do these things in Jesus' name.
A few kids were asked about marriage...and here's what they said...
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
- Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
- Theodore, age 8
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8
"And the # 1 Favorite is........"
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm, With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
1) A couple placed an ad,"Have 4 sons, need advice on how to get a daughter."
Response: Yankee: Keep trying!
Briton: Change doctor!
Aussie: Follow a special diet.
Indian: Practice Yoga!
Pinoy: LET ME TRY!
2) Population policies of countries:
China: Stop at 1 child.
Singapore: Stop at 2 children
Phil: STOP AT 4 A.M.!
3) Ano kadalasan ang sinasabi kapag nautot?
American: Excuse me.
British: Pardon me.
Pinoy: NOT ME!
II. Married Life
1) May isang intsik na sa sobrang hilig sa karaoke ay inabot ng 5 am. Dahil sa takot mabugbog ni misis, nag-text ng:
"HUWAG KA BAYAD RANSOM. NAKATAKAS AKO. UWI NA KO!"
2) Husband: "Parati na lang tayo away! Maghiwalay na lang tayo!"
Wife: "Sige, maghati tayo ng mga anak!"
Husband: "Akin ang mga guwapo at maganda!"
Wife: "Sus! Pinili pa yung hindi kanya!"
3) Sa harap ng nursery window;
Friend: Pare, pag laki ng anak mo, am sure magaling mag-drive
Dad: Bakit, pare, malaki ba ang kamay?
Friend: Hindi. Kasi kamukha siya ng driver ninyo!
4) Husband: "Ang iniiyakan ko lang naman eh bakit gumaganti ka ng kadyot habang ginagahasa ka ng tulisan?!"
Wife: "Hay naku, Honey ... SELF DEFENSE lang yung akin"
5) Friend: "Wow, pare, ganda ng shoes mo, ah!"
Husband: "Oo. Surprise gift ng kumare mo!"
Friend: "Surprise? Ano occassion?"
Husband: "Wala. Nakita ko na lang sa ilalim ng kama namin kagabi!"
III. Other Jokes
1) Health Advisory: "Beer contains female hormones, and can turn men into women. After 5 pints.... men become talkative, unreasonable, irritable, cry for nothing, and urinate while sitting!"
2) Little girl: "Mom, I just found out that the boy next door has a penis like a peanut!"
Mommy: "You mean, it's small?"
Little girl: "No, it's SALTY"
3) Question: Who designed the female human body?
Answer: A Civil Engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline thru a recreational area?!
4) Our brain is made up of 2 parts, the left and the right part. With our politicians, the problem is that: The LEFT has nothing RIGHT in it,and The RIGHT has nothing LEFT in it!
5) Sa hardin ng Paraiso ...
Adam: Lord, di ko na kaya ang tukso ng ahas sa akin!
Lord: Maging matatag ka, anak. Ano ba ang tukso sa iyo?
Adam: SUPOT! SUPOT!
Once there was an emperor in the Far East who was growing old and knew it was coming time to choose his successor. Instead of choosing one of his assistants or one of his own children, he decided to do something different. He called all the young people in the kingdom together one day.
He said, "It has come time for me to step down and to choose the next emperor. I have decided to choose one of you." The kids were shocked! But the emperor continued. "I am going to give each one of you a seed today. One seed. It is a very special seed. I want you to go home, plant the seed, water it and come back here one year from today with what you have grown from this one seed. I will then judge the plants that you bring to me, and the one I choose will be the next emperor of the kingdom!"
There was one boy named Ling who was there that day and he, like the others, received a seed. He went home and excitedly told his mother the whole story. She helped him get a pot and some planting soil, and he planted the seed and watered it carefully. Every day he would water it and watch to see if it had grown. After about three weeks, some of the other youths began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow. Ling kept going home and checking his seed, but nothing ever grew. Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by. Still nothing. By now others were talking about their plants but Ling didn't have a plant, and he felt like a failure. Six months went by, still nothing in Ling's pot. He just knew he had killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had nothing. Ling didn't say anything to his friends, however. He just kept waiting for his seed to grow.
A year finally went by and all the youths of the kingdom brought their plants to the emperor for inspection. Ling told his mother that he wasn't going to take an empty pot. But she encouraged him to go, and to take his pot, and to be honest about what happened. Ling felt sick to his stomach, but he knew his mother was right. He took his empty pot to the palace.
When Ling arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by all the other youths. They were beautiful, in all shapes and sizes. Ling put his empty pot on the floor and many of the other kinds laughed at him. A few felt sorry for him and just said, "Hey nice try." When the emperor arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted the young people. Ling just tried to hide in the back.
"My, what great plants, trees and flowers you have grown," said the emperor. "Today, one of you will be appointed the next emperor!" All of a sudden, the emperor spotted Ling at the back of the room with his empty pot. He ordered his guards to bring him to the front. Ling was terrified.
"The emperor knows I'm a failure! Maybe he will have me killed!"
When Ling got to the front, the Emperor asked his name. "My name is Ling," he replied.
All the kids were laughing and making fun of him. The emperor asked everyone to quiet down. He looked at Ling, and then announced to the crowd, "Behold your new emperor! His name is Ling!"
Ling couldn't believe it. Ling couldn't even grow his seed. How could he be the new emperor?
Then the emperor said, "One year ago today, I gave everyone here a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds which would not grow. All of you, except Ling, have brought me trees and plants and flowers. When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for the one I gave you. Ling was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one who will be the new emperor!"
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"It matters not what you do-
Make a nation or a shoe;
For he who does an honest thing
In God's pure sight is ranked a king."
- John Parnell
However, the girl's father does not like him and want them stop the relationship. So the boy wrote this letter to get a message across. What the message is exactly... read on and find out.
1 "The great love that I have for you
2 is gone, and I find my dislike for you
3 grows every day. When I see you,
4 I do not even like your face;
5 the one thing that I want to do is to
6 look at other girls. I never wanted to
7 marry you. Our last conversation
8 was very boring and has not
9 made me look forward to seeing you again.
10 You think only of yourself.
11 If we were married, I know that I would find
12 life very difficult, and I would have no
13 pleasure in living with you. I have a heart
14 to give, but it is not something that
15 I want to give to you. No one is more
16 foolish and selfish than you, and you are not
17 able to care for me and help me.
18 I sincerely want you to understand that
19 I speak the truth. You will do me a favor
20 if you think this the end. Do not try
21 to answer this. Your letters are full of
22 things that do not interest me. You have no
23 true love for me. Good bye! Believe me,
24 I do not care for you. Please do not think that
25 I am still your boyfriend."
So bad, huh?
However, the boy told the girl beforehand to "READ BETWEEN THE LINES", meaning only to read the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, 7 ...) So... please try reading it again! At the very least, the cunning would amuse you....
I was born to a destitute couple in the slums of Tondo. My parents were semi-literate, hardly able to write their names, but, for some reason, were voracious readers in the vernacular. My father was a poorly paid mechanic in a factory while mother wrapped bath soap and earned a centavo for every few hundred pieces. Our house was a shack with run-down walls and rickety bamboo stairs with a roof , made of rusty G.I. sheets anchored with big rocks and discarded tires. Fortunately, the roof leaked only when it rained. Our only amenity at home was a small radio that was on full blast 24 hours a day. Years later, when I asked my father why I was so short, he replied, "We had nothing to feed you."
I will never forget the day when my favourite elementary school teacher paid us a weekend visit. I gallantly invited her to lunch and she accepted my impulsive hospitality. I didn't know that our family of eight was having one small paksiw na bangus for lunch! I almost choked with shame as we ate. (This is probably why, today, when we invite friends over, I instinctively ask for at least five viands to be served.)
Every year we got our school clothes before classes began. I was fourth in a brood of six and received only tattered hand-me downs. I don't remember getting new shoes at all during grade school - only after I graduated from grade six. My favourite leather shoes I inherited from my older brother; but I had to walk carefully, because the soles, tied in place with a piece of wire, kept flapping open. In the midst of poverty, my mother never failed to celebrate our birthdays. Once, she gave me a party with guinatan, pancit bihon and a birthday candle. In front of my friends and relatives, before I blew out the candle, she reminded me to make a wish. I complied and said, "God, thank you for this party. But God, next year, please put a cake under my candle."
My father lost his job after leading a strike at the factory, and a year later, we were all on the verge of starvation. My parents were forced to relocate the family to the Balatoc gold mines in Benguet. In the mining community was a river: the affluent lived on one side; we lived on the other, in barracks-like housing, in squalor and deprivation. In Tondo, everyone had been so poor I never noticed the difference. In the mining area, there was a stark contrast; for the first time I knew the meaning of poverty in the midst of the plenty.
For my daily boon to school, my mother alternated boiled camote with pan de sal and shredded tuyo. Whenever j complained, my father would glare at me and say, "Pretend you are eating kastanyas when you bite in the camote - they taste the same. Think you are eating ham on when you eat your tuyo sandwich."
During the second World War, the mines were devastated. The family moved to Baguio City. My father liked commenting on the cheap cost of land in the Pines City. "In the old days," he would say, "we could have gotten a hectare of land for a horse!" I used to banter with him saying, "Tatay, why don't we own land in Baguio? Why didn't you buy Session Road?" He would tap my head and reply, patronizingly: "Your mother and I would have rather spend for your education. That way, I would have a son who will - one day buy land in Baguio." Until today I do not own an inch of land in the Pines City, but I remember my father's words with great fondness.
My uneducated parents were obsessed with our education. They wanted us to attain what they never had. After high school, the moment of truth came: Could I go to college? Much earlier, I had secretly made up my mind to be a medical doctor. Two incidents had crystallized my decision: first, when I was a boy in the forests of the mining community and my best friend fell from a guava tree. His right arm became permanently deformed due to lack of medical help. In my young mind, I resolved to become a doctor. That way, no friend of mine would have to suffer a deformed arm. A year later, my dear mother became seriously ill. Medical facilities were inadequate, and because she was the relative of a mere laborer, she was left practically unattended. Faced with her possible death, I made a vow: I would become a medical doctor, then my mother would always have the best medical care. Fortunately, she survived long enough - 84 years to see my dream come true.
The year I graduated from high school, I made my revelation to my mother. I chose a moment when she and I were alone. And then I told her about my impossible dream. "Nanay, I want to become a doctor," I blurted out, then waited for her stern reprimand. None came. Instead, she looked at me, smiled, and replied with the most kindly tone, "With God's help, we shall manage the miracle."
It was as though she had been preparing herself for that moment all her life. My mother was not educated, had never engaged in business her whole life, had no capital to speak of but she set up her own enterprise the best way she knew how: she sold second-hand clothing. She bought old clothes, washed, mended and ironed them, then sold each piece on installment. Every day except Sundays (which were reserved for God), Nanay walked the city from house to house, selling used clothes and collecting payments. Perhaps the exercise was responsible for extending her life. Most of her income went to my expensive medical education. Not once, in the eight long years I spent at the University of the Philippines, did she fail to remit my monthly board and lodging expenses. Not once did she fail to send me my modest allowance, or the money needed for my tuition fee. How she managed the finances is still a big mystery to me to this day!
When I graduated from Baguio City High School, Atty. Edgardo B. Espiritu (now Secretary of Finance in the President Estrada Cabinet) wrote our Class Prophecy. He wrote innocently in our Pine Tree school paper: 'Juan will become a medical doctor. He will then proceed to the United States for post-graduate studies in the Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland. From there, he will become the Secretary of Health. Who knows, maybe he may even become a Senator of the Republic." Who would have believed his prophecy would come true to the letter? How explain, except to say: Are not all these, by God's grace and my mother's great faith, the miracles of my life.
A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," the man replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the women's bathroom...."
At Sydney University, there were four students taking Organic Chemistry. They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an A so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident with the finals approaching that the weekend before, they decided to go down to Canberra and party with some friends there.
They had a great time. However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Sidney until early Monday morning - the morning of their final exam! Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor AFTER the exam and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Canberra to do some research in the ANU archives for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but,unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time.
As a result, they only just arrived now! The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up their final exam the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied hard that night - all night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed each of them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, (which was out of 100 points) and told them to begin.
The first problem was worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation.
"Cool," they all thought in their rooms, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page for the next question.
See below!
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Question 2 (for 95 points): Which tire was punctured?
My friend lives in Taal(small town in Batangas, a province going South of the Philippines) where trees and high land areas mostly surround it. One evening he went to town (Batangas City) for a movie with his friends. He was having a lot fun before he realized it was getting very late. He quickly made his way home. It was unusually dark and creepy that night.
As he was walking, he was astonished to find an old, creepy-looking street peddler selling some books along the road. It gave him the shivers when he noticed this pale old person staring at him.
The old person said, "Son, why not get yourself a book ... it will keep you company".
My friend acted brave and thought why not. He had a look at the old man's collection ... his hair began to rise up on end when he noticed all the books were related to the supernatural. Nonetheless, he found one that was very interesting so he asked the old man, "How much is this, Uncle?"
The old person replied, "Well son ... that's an interesting book...its 500 pesos."
My friend was shocked and said "But ... but ... that's so expensive..."
The old man said nothing but glared at my friend which freaked him out. He quickly rummaged through his pockets and found 450 pesos. "T-t-this's all I have" he said.
The old guy replied, "It's okay, son ....you can have the book for that price."
As my friend hastily paid for it and made a dash for home, the old man called out to him and said, "Son ... whatever happens, don't you ever flip the book to it's last page... remember these words ...or you will regret it!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Reaching home, he quickly asked his parents, "Dad ... mom...are there any new booksellers nearby ?"
"Not that we know of ... but we've heard of a creepy old man that appears only at night during a full moon and then disappears just as mysteriously. Nobody knows who he is, or where he comes from but many have become victims in his wake... why son?"
"N-nothing... just asking", said my friend and ran straight to his room.
Nervously, he opened the book and began reading, all the time remembering the warning the old man had given him. But after a while, he grew tired and fell asleep.
At midnight, as he was sound asleep in bed, a cold gush of wind blew in through his bedroom window which startled him and sent chills down his spine. He looked at his table and noticed the wind had blown the pages of the book to its last page!!!!! For awhile, he laid in bed - frozen in fear, but soon curiosity got the better of him. He had to know what was on the last page. Slowly he got out of bed and carefully picked up the book.
As he glimpsed at the last page, he let out a blood-curling scream and fainted...
In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to be held in high esteem because of his knowledge. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Do you know what I just heard about your friend?"
"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I`d like you to pass a little test. It`s called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That`s right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you`re going to say. That`s why I call it the triple filter test. The first filter is Truth."
"Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and...! "
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don`t really know if it`s true or not. Now let`s try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you`re not certain it`s true. You may still pass the test though, because there`s one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
Use this triple filter each time you hear loose talk about any of your friends... maybe it will help make the world a better place for us all.
Jack and Diane have known each other since school days and had since become the best of friends. They shared everything and anything and spent lots of time together in and after school. But...the friendship never developed into anything deeper.
Diane kept a secret...her admiration and love for Jack. She has her reasons for keeping it a secret. FEAR. Fear of rejection... fear that he might not feel the same... fear that he might not want to be her best friend anymore... fear of losing someone that she could always find comfort in. At least if she kept her feelings to herself she would still be able to spend time with him... and hopefully, he would be the one to tell her how he felt towards her.
Time passed and soon...school was over. Jack and Diane went separate ways. Jack continued his studies overseas while Diane got herself a job. They still kept in touch though...penned letters, sent each other photographs and mailed each other gifts. Diane longed for Jack to be back.
She decided that she would tell him her feelings once he got back. And then...out of the blue...the mails from Jack stopped coming. Diane wrote to him, but there was never a reply. Where was he? What happened? Lots of questions ran through her mind...
Two years passed and Diane was still hopeful that Jack would come back...or at least send her a note. And then her prayers were answered.
One mid-August day, she received a note from Jack...it said: "Diane, I have a surprise for you. I'm flying over. Meet me at the airport. My flight comes in at 4 p.m. on Saturday. I can't wait to see you again Diane! There's something I need to tell you, something I've been keeping all this time... Love n Kisses Jack"
Diane's fingers shook as she read the note. Her heart soared. Diane was thrilled. Love and kisses...it meant a lot for a lady who had waited so long for those words. She was ecstatic.
The day arrived, Diane waited anxiously for Jack. She had slipped into her best dress and did her best to look as pretty as she could. She looked around but Jack was nowhere in sight. She waited and waited, wondering what she would say to Jack when he got there, what their meeting would be like. Would there be love in his eyes? Would there be longing bred from years of separation and hiding each others' feelings? Oh how she longed to see him!
How she longed to throw her arms around him and tell him she was a fool to ever let him go without ever telling him how she felt. She was certain Jack felt it too. There was always a certain magic about them when they were together.
Then...a lady in a sexy tight blue dress approached her. She had a very concerned look on her face, "Hi! I'm Lyn, a friend of Jack. Are you Diane?" she asked. Diane just nodded her head. "I'm afraid I ... I have bad news for you...Jack is not coming...he won't be coming back anymore," said the lady, placing a hand on Diane's shoulder.
Diane shook her head in confusion. She felt her heart constrict. What could possibly have happened?? Diane felt an overwhelming fear inside her. Her hands turned cold. Her voice shook as she asked: "Where ---- where's Jack? What happened to him??? Please tell me..."
Diane begged the lady...
The lady looked intently at Diane...and then .....she gave Diane a nudge on the shoulder and said,
"Hoy gaga...its me...Jack... Jaquilyn!!! Don't you recognize me, honey?? ...Am I pretty now? ...nyek!
A voyaging ship was wrecked during a storm at sea and only two of the men on it were able to swim to a small, desert like island.
The two survivors, not knowing what else to do, agreed that they had no other recourse but to pray to God. However, to find out whose prayer was more powerful, they agreed to divide the territory between them and stay on opposite sides of the island.
The first thing they prayed for was food. The next morning, the first man saw a fruit-bearing tree on his side of the land, and he was able to eat its fruit. The other man's parcel of land remained barren.
After a week, the first man was lonely and he decided to pray for a wife. The next day, another ship was wrecked, and the only survivor was a woman who swam to his side of the land. On the other side of the island, there was nothing.
Soon the first man prayed for a house, clothes, more food. The next day, like magic, all of these were given to him. However, the second man still had nothing.
Finally, the first man prayed for a ship, so that he and his wife could leave the island. In the morning, he found a ship docked at his side of the island. The first man boarded the ship with his wife and decided to leave the second man on the island.
He considered the other man unworthy to receive God's blessings, since none of his prayers had been answered.
As the ship was about to leave, the first man heard a voice from heaven booming, "Why are you leaving your companion on the island?"
"My blessings are mine alone, since I was the one who prayed for them," the first man answered. "His prayers were all unanswered
and so he does not deserve anything."
"You are mistaken!" the voice rebuked him. "He had only one prayer, which I answered. If not for that, you would not have
received any of my blessings."
"Tell me," the first man asked the voice, "What did he pray for that I should owe him anything?"
"He prayed that all your prayers be answered."
For all we know, our blessings are not the fruits of our prayers alone, but those of another praying for us.
If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.
If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.
He sends you flowers every spring.
He sends you a sunrise every morning.
Whenever you want to talk, He listens.
He can live anywhere in the universe, but He chose... your heart.
Face it friend, He is crazy about you!
God didn't promise days without pain,
laughter without sorrow, sun without rain,
but He did promise strength for the day,
comfort for the tears,
and light for the way.
Dumating si Dan sa Amerika sa tulong ng kanyang kumpare na may kontak sa immigration sa Pilipinas. Medyo tagilid ang papeles ni Dan kaya masyadong maingat (kasi TNT nga sa US of A). Ayaw man lang lumabas ng bahay si Dan kung hindi kasama ang kanyang kumpare. Eh minsan nagsawa na ang kanyang kumpare sa kaaalalay sa kanya.
"Pareng Dan," sabi ng kumpareng tinatago ang inis, "heto ang susi ng kotse at ang mga kredit cards ko. Magshopping ka naman sa mall para malibang ka. Kung may problema ka, tawagan mo ako sa telepono. Papasok na ako sa opisina."
Dahil na rin siguro sa hiya ni Dan, kahit nerbiyos na nerbiyos sinubukan niyang lumabas. Tuwang tuwa naman si Dan sa pamamasyal sa mall. Nakapamili na siya ng mga damit na gusto niya. Ngunit pagdating sa cashier, biglang nataranta at natakot si Dan sa tanong ng cashier,
"VISA or MASTERCARD?"
Karipas si Dan Palabas dahil sa takot. "Aba hinahanap ang VISA ko! Baka nabisto na ako! Syet!"
Sakay agad siya ng kotse. Harurot ng takbo. Kaso, halos wala ng gas ang sasakyan kaya huminto siya sa isang gas station. Nang maglalagay na siya ng gas
biglang nagsalita ang cashier sa loudspeaker,
"Sir pay first please."
Naku, patay! Papers daw! Hinahanap ang papers ko!"
Nagtago si Dan sa mga eski-eskinita hanggang makakita siya ng payphone. Patago-tago siyang lumapit sa payphone. (hingal!) "Kailangan....matawagan .....ko si.....kumpare para....masundo.....niya ako.....rito (hingal)."
Pagtaas niya ng handle ng telepono, Narinig niya, "AT & T, how can I help you?"
"Aba, anak ng putakteh, alam na TNT ako! Buking na ako", sabi ni Dan.
Pagbaba niya ng telepono, may Amerikanong nakatayo sa likod niya at nagtanong, "Are you done?" napahandusay si Dan sa phonebooth.
Biglas bulalas, Buray kan ina ! Alam pa ang pangalan ko !"
Nagulat ang tisoy, "Hey, be cool man!"
"Naku, alam pa kung taga-saan ako !"
" Is that your green car parked in the red zone?"
Hihimatayin na si Danny Boy! " Hinahanapan pa ako ng green card! "
Kaya sa matinding takot, nagpahuli na lang si Dan. Ngayon si Dan ay nasa Bikol na muli at binansagang "Dan Balikbayan".
There was a middle-age couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen-age daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to find the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of the child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered," he cried. Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
The Second Affair :
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, he made an amazing discovery - Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his scalpel to remove the dead man's privates. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, opening his briefcase. "Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The Third Affair :
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner!" She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
The Fourth Affair :
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bartender and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir," replies the bartender. "That'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaims the customer. The barman replies, Yes." So the guy glances over the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," the bartender replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy asks, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."
The Fifth Affair :
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly, "My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right. Go to sleep." "No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!" "I know," Becky whispered softly, "That's why I poisoned you."
The Sixth Affair :
An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms - "Honey," "My Love, "Darling,""Sweetheart," "Pumpkin," etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
A Filipino is having breakfast in a hotel in France one morning... coffee, croissants, bread, butter jam when an American, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Pinoy ignores the Kano who, nevertheless, starts a conversation:
Kano: "You Filipinos eat the whole bread??"
Pinoy (nayayabangan sa Kano): "Of course."
Kano: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In America, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the Philippines."
The American has a smirk on his face. The Pinoy listens in silence. Still The American persists.
Kano: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
Pinoy: "Of Course."
Kano: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In America we eat fresh fruits for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the Philippines."
The Pinoy (asar na talaga) asks: "Do you have sex in America?"
Kano: "Why of course we do."
Pinoy (now smirking): "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Kano (a bit puzzled): "We throw them away, of course."
Pinoy: "We don't. In my beloved Philippines, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them into chewing gum and sell them to America.
The sister of my friend developed a rash on her breast, similar to that of young mothers who are nursing.
Because her mammogram had been clear, the doctor treated her with antibiotics for infections. After 2 rounds and it continued to get worse, her doctor sent her for another mammogram, and this time it showed a mass.
A biopsy found a fast growing malignancy. Chemo was started in order to shrink the growth; then mastectomy; then a full round of Chemo; then radiation. After about 9 months of intense treatment, she was given a clean bill of health.
One year of living each day to its fullest. Then the cancer returned to the liver area. She took 4 treatments and decided that she wanted quality life, not the after effects of Chemo. We had 5 great months and she planned each detail of the final days. After just a few days of needing morphine, she slipped away saying she had done what God had sent her into the world to do and now it was her time to go.
PLEASE be alert to any thing that is not normal, and be persistent in getting help as soon as possible.
Her message is shown below:
Paget's Disease: This is a rare form of breast cancer, and is located on the outside of the breast, on the nipple and areola. It appeared as a rash, which later became a lesion with a crusty outer edge. I would have never suspected it to be breast cancer but it was.
My nipple never seemed any different to me, but the rash bothered me, so I went to the doctor for that. Sometimes, it itched and was sore, but other than that it didn't bother me. It was just ugly and a nuisance, and could not be cleared up with all the creams prescribed by my doctor and dermatologist for the dermatitis on my eyes just prior to this outbreak.
They seemed a little concerned but did not warn me it could be cancerous. Now, I suspect there are not many women out there who know a lesion or rash on the nipple or areola can be breast cancer.
Mine started out as a single red pimple on the areola. One of the biggest problems with Paget's disease of the nipple is that the symptoms appear to be harmless. It is frequently thought to be a skin inflammation or infection, leading to unfortunate delays in detection and care.
What are the symptoms? The symptoms include:
1. A persistent redness, oozing, and crusting of your nipple causing it to itch and burn. (As I stated,mine did not itch or burn much, and had no oozing I was aware of, but it did have a crust along the outer edge on one side.)
2. A sore on your nipple that will not heal. (Mine was on the areola area with a whitish thicklooking area in the center of the nipple).
3. Usually only one nipple is affected.
How is it diagnosed?
Your doctor will do a physical exam and should suggest having a mammogram of both breasts, done immediately. Even though the redness, oozing and crusting closely resemble dermatitis (inflammation of the skin), your doctor should suspect cancer if the sore is only on one breast. Your doctor should order a biopsy of your sore to confirm what is going on.
My breast cancer has spread and metastasized to my liver after receiving mega doses of chemotherapy, 28 treatments of radiation and taking Tamaxofin. If this had been diagnosed as breast cancer in the beginning, perhaps it would not have spread...
For anyone who didn't see David Letterman's take on this: (And it's a true story...)
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and carried the coin laden bucket to the elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot; they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful and fear immobilized her.
She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but Gosh; they had to know what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed!
Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket
of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and dove to the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed.
More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to actually hit the floor, ma'am."
He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.
When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor.
At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed
herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses.
Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years." It was signed; Eddie Murphy, Michael Jordan
I learned that the elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!
If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives.
HOW TO AVOID BEING THE VICTIM OF A VIOLENT CRIME
He gave us some statistics about how much the occurrences of random violence have escalated over the recent years, and it's terrible. Something like 99% of us will be exposed to, or become a victim of a violent crime.
Here are some of the most important points that I got out of his presentation:
1. The three reasons women are easy targets for random acts of violence are:
a.) Lack of Awareness You MUST know where you are and what's going on around you.
b.) Body Language Keep your head up, swing your arms, stand straight up.
c.) Wrong Place, Wrong Time DON'T walk alone in an alley, or drive in a bad neighborhood at night.
2. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc). DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go.
AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.
A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
a.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat.
b.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
c.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.
IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)
3. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot.
4. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times.And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!
5. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed
a.) Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.
b.) Pat Malone told us the story of his daughter, who came out of the mall and was walking to her car when she noticed 2 older ladies in front of her. Then she saw a police car come towards her with cops who said hello. She also noticed that all 8 handicap spots in the area were empty. As she neared her car she saw a man a few rows over calling to her for help. He wanted her to close his passenger side door. He was sitting in the back on the driver's side, and said he was handicapped. He continued calling, until she turned and headed back to the mall, and then he began cursing at her. In the meantime, she wondered why he didn't ask the 2 older ladies, or the policeman for help, and why he was not parked in any of the empty handicap spots. As she got back to the mall, two male friends of hers were exiting, and as she told them the story, and turned to point at the car, the man was getting out of the back seat into the front and the car sped away.
DON'T GET CAUGHT IN THIS TRAP.
PLEASE BE SAFE AND NOT SORRY! JUST A WARNING TO ALWAYS BE ALERT AND USE YOUR HEAD!!!
"I wowed 'em," he later told his father, Bruce. "It's a killer, It's the bomb. It's the best thing I ever wrote."
It also was the last.
Brian's parents had forgotten about the essay when a cousin found it while cleaning out the teenager's locker at Teary Valley High School.
Brian had been dead only hours, but his parents desperately wanted every piece of his life near them - notes from classmates and teachers, his homework. Only two months before, he had handwritten the essay about encountering Jesus in a file room full of cards detailing every moment of the teen's life.
But it was only after Brian's death that Beth and Bruce Moore realized that their son had described his view of heaven. It makes such an impact that people want to share it. You feel like you are there." Mr. Moore said.
Brian Moore died May 27, 1997, the day after Memorial Day. He was driving home from a friend's house when his car went off Bulen-Pierce Road in Pickaway County and struck a utility pole. He emerged from the wreck unharmed but stepped on a downed power line and was electrocuted.
The Moores framed a copy of Brian's essay and hung it among the family portraits in the living room. "I think God used him to make a point. I think we were meant to find it and make something out of it, " Mrs. Moore said of the essay. She and her husband want to share their son's vision of life after death. "I'm happy for Brian. I know he's in heaven. I know I'll see him.
The Room...
In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings.
As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I have liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was.
This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.
A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I have betrayed." The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed at." Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've yelled at my brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger," "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents.
Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.
When I pulled out the file marked "TV Shows I have watched ," I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew that file represented.
When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me.
One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it. Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot.
Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With."
The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.
And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt. They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key. But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards.
I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments, couldn't bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.
Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card. "No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him.
His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side.
He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished."
I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." ---Phil. 4:13
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life."
After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do?"
The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate $10 million to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can't change the words." So the Colonel hangs up.
After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen your Excellency, I really need your help. I'll donate $20 million if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'
And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel gives up again.
After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel gets really desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $50 million to The Vatican". The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $50 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we're losing the Delifrance account."
Turn off your handphone when it rains. Please be cautioned! Try not to use your hand-phone when it is raining and there is lightning especially when you are out in an open area.
One colleague just died from a lightning strike today. He was with his colleague and he was using his handphone while it was raining. He suddenly dropped down and his handphone was badly burned but they found no traces of burn mark on his body. His colleague who was just beside him did not feel anything. Researches confirmed that lightning can travel via the waves that the handphone signal is travelling.
This is fact. I have experienced this myself. Luckily, I just happened to turn off my handphone a second before the lightning reach my body. I was so scared at that time. I could see the lightning ended just about one METER away from me.
This is a psychological test. Do not prematurely scroll down and look at the answer.
Here it goes...
The main character in the story is a girl. When she was at the funeral of her own mother, she met this guy who was also there but she did not know who he was. This guy happened to be her dream guy so she fell in love with him at once...At first sight/at a distance...
A few days later the girl killed her own sister. When the Police asked her why she did that she gave a shocking answer...
She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral (of her sister) again.
If you answered this correctly, go to the police and tell them to lock you up.
This was a test by a famous American psychologist who used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in this test and answered it correctly.
If you didn't answer correctly - good for you. If your friends hit the jackpot, may I suggest that you keep your distance :-)
Sally jumped up as soon as she saw the Surgeon come out of the operating room. She said: "How is my little boy? Is he going to be O.K.? When can I see him?"
The Surgeon said, "I'm sorry, we did all we could."
Sally said, "Why do little children get cancer, doesn't GOD care any more? GOD, where were you when my son needed you?"
The Surgeon said, "One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes to let you spend time with your son's remains before it's transported to the university."
Sally asked that the nurse stay with her while she said good-bye to her son. Sally ran her fingers through his thick red curly hair.
The nurse said, "Would you like a lock of his hair?" Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of his hair and put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.
Sally said, "It was Jimmy's idea to give his body to the university for study. He said it might help somebody else, and that is what he wanted. I said no at first, but Jimmy said, "Mom I won't be using it after I die, maybe it will help some other little boy to be able to spend one more day with his mother". Sally said, "My Jimmy had a heart of gold, always thinking of someone else and always wanting to help others if he could".
Sally walked out of the Children's Hospital for the last time now after spending most of the last 6 months there. She sat the bag with Jimmy's things in it on the seat beside of her in the car. The drive home was hard and it was even harder to go into an empty house.
She took the bag to Jimmy's room and started placing the model cars and things back in his room exactly where he always kept them. She laid down across his bed and cried herself to sleep holding his pillow.
Sally woke up about midnight and laying beside of her on the bed, was a letter folded up. She opened the letter, it said:
Dear Mom, I know your going to miss me, but don't think that I will ever forget you or stop loving you because I'm not around to say I LOVE YOU. I'll think of you every day mom and I'll love you even more each day. Some day we will see each other again.
If you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, he can have my room and my old stuff to play with. If you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things as us boys do, so you will have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like.
Don't be sad when you think about me, this is really a great place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything here.
The angels are so friendly, I love to watch them fly. Jesus doesn't look like any of the pictures I saw of Him, but I knew it was Him as soon as I saw Him. Jesus took me to see GOD! And guess what mom? I got to sit on GOD'S knee and talk to Him like I was somebody important. I told GOD that I wanted to write you a letter and tell you Good-bye and everything, but I knew that wasn't allowed. God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter with. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel that is going to drop this letter off to you.
God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him about. Where was He when I needed him? God said, "The same place He was when Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children.
Oh, by the way Mom, nobody else can see what is written on this paper but you. To everyone else, it looks like a blank piece of paper. I have to give God His pen back now, he has some more names to write in the Book Of Life.
Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for Supper. I'm sure the food will be great. I almost forgot to let you know - Now I don't hurt anymore, the cancer is all gone. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me suffer the pain either, so He sent The Angel of Mercy to get me. The Angel said I was Special Delivery!
mga bagay-bagay na kasalukuyang kinaiinisan...
george w bush's smirk, mga pangalan na nilalagyan ng "h" (katulad ng jhune, dhanny, jhoey, jhim, jhay, jhet, mayron pa nga akong kilalang piph), tunog ng baril ni agent X44 Tony Falcon, tunog ng suntok ng mga pelikulang pinoy, people who say "at the end of the day" all the time, allergic reactions to seafood, tunog ng stirofoam pag pinisil, tunog ng kinaskas na kuko sa blackboard, war, alikabok, the term "weapons of mass destruction", sales people who always say "absolutely", people who don't take a bath everyday, anghit, people who don't change their shirts everyday, tropical heat, people with anghit who don't take a bath and don't change their shirts everyday at kasabay mong maglakad in the tropical heat, cnn's jim clancey's reporting, monday afternoons, NAIA, the term "liberating the iraqi people", jeepney fumes, standing on a bus going home, cruise missles, pelikulang bumbay, stale coffee, tomahawk missles, january 2, ping lacson, tessie aquino ureta, pimples, powdered orange juice, elevator music, kenny-g's music, elevator playing kenny-g's music, donald rumsfeld's squint, funeral parlors, hospitals, hospital morgues, cold showers, nagtataeng ballpen, nagtataeng ballpen na nakalagay sa bulsa ng puting polo shirt, lapis na bale, disco music, rap music, loud bar music, loud rap music played in a bar, non-functioning remote control, scientific calculators that are not casio, automatic watches that stop in the middle of the night, smelly farts that are not mine, come to think of it - any kind of fart that did not come from my asshole, "bawal umihi dito" signs (ang mahole, bogbog), sunglasses na tabingi pag sinuot mo, yellow-orange shirts, pink pants for men, pantalon na bitin, lalaki na naka yellow-orange shirt na may ternong pink pants na bitin, lawlaw na shorts, tsinelas na luma, loud preachers inside a bus (PRAISE THE GOD!), el shaddai, amerikana ni brother mike, brother mike, good friday, american war propaganda, train stations in india, being thirsty, LBM, smelly hair, ugly american speeches, tinapay na may amag, mainit na coke, soft boiled egg na sobrang soft, CNN reporters na pumipikit-pikit pag nagrereport, sign pen na walang tinta, CD na tumatalon, abstract painting na binebenta sa bangketa sa quiapo, palenkeng maputik, cell phones ringing inside theatres, sappy love song ring tones, sappy love song ringtones ringing inside theatres, loud text message ringtones, mcdo hamburgers na may chii sauce, taxes, ringing phones at 2 o clock in the morning, traffic jams, fast changing traffic lights, war councils, tapilok, somebody wearing turtle neck sweaters in manila, somebody wearing leather jackets in manila, somebody wearing leather jackets over tutleneck sweaters in manila, the term "decisive force", censorship, self righteous people, self righteous censors, names i can't pronounce, people calling me "david", riding in a car that's been left baking in an open parking lot in manila at 12 o clock noon, pentel pen na malapit nang maubusan ng tinta, the disco song entitled "zodiac", low batt cellphone right when you need it, underpowered cars, stars on 45 music, stars on 45 music being played inside buses, stars on 45 being played inside a bus when a preacher suddenly shouts "PRAISE THE LORD" while you are a few seconds from finally taking a nap, funeral wreathes, lumang pera, kahit anong pelikula ni steven segal (except yung kasama niya si idol kong tommy lee jones), ang mukha ni prime minister john howard ng australia, "operation iraqi freedom"...
...AND, the most kinaiinisang bagay-bagay as of late: the term "shock and awe"
